Because what’s scarier than brash ineptitude? Okay, quick story: When I was in college, I knew a guy named Roger. Roger was a good guy, and very smart and funny – when he was sober. Get some alcohol into him and there was nobody who looked more like the textbook definition of “drunk.” No, not even W.C. Fields. I spent most of the evening of Halloween, 2006, in a nearby city, lost and low on gas with no way to buy more. When I got back, I hung out in a friend’s dorm room, where a bunch of people were smoking. The friend in question, Chris, had a hospital barf bag over the smoke detector, which seemed incredibly clever until the RAs raided the place and he had to pull it down, at which point the smoke detector came out of the ceiling by the wires. Also, a bunch of people jumped out the window when the RAs knocked because the room was waaaay over capacity and it was on the first floor. Anyway, after ALL THAT SHIT, I went to the party going down in the dining hall. Somehow I found myself in the stairwell leading down to the mail room, and that’s where I ran into Roger. Roger was vertical, which was probably the limit of what his central nervous system was capable of doing for him at the moment. He wanted to talk to me, which I know was too much for his brain, because he kept repeating the same two or three points over and over again. He was insistent that I hear him out, because apparently he didn’t think the information was taking. He really liked my writing (we were in a common class). Like, really liked it, you don’t understand, I was really, really good. I eventually extricated myself from this conversation and went to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I was suitably impressed by. I would later find out, via a piece he wrote for that writing class, that Roger woke up the following morning in the drunk tank at a police station two towns over. Sometime between lecturing me on my own greatness and blowing numbers low enough to secure his freedom, Roger ran into a guy dressed as Batman at the party and asked him to punch him. According to Roger, Batman obliged. So this Halloween, don’t be like Alex here, but really don’t be like Roger.